


Natural Disasters

by jixie



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Awkwardness, Bad Sex, F/M, Fluff, Hetalia Kink Meme, Historical, Humor, I'm Sorry, One Shot, Sexual Content, Sexual Inexperience, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 08:01:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13922841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jixie/pseuds/jixie
Summary: lemon: noun: 1. an acid fruit that is produced by a small citrus tree (Citrus limon). 2. informal: a person or thing regarded as unsatisfactory or defective.(Fic Prompt: Prussia/Hungary: Dorky first time.)





	Natural Disasters

**Author's Note:**

> ~~Hysterically~~ Historically: This takes place whenever is the most appropriate convenient time that I didn't bother to research. Sometime before ~~Austria starts tappin' dat ass~~ indoor plumbing and wide-spread dental hygiene.
> 
> De-anoning, from Hetalia Kink Meme #12. Fic prompt: Prussia/Hungary: Dorky first time. Originally written 7/2010. Hetalia © Hidekaz Himaruya

The night couldn't have been more perfect.

Stars scattered across a half-purple sky, the last sliver of sun dipping low into the hills beyond. The crisp autumn air was just warm enough to be comfortable, the occasional breeze drawing a chill across their damp skin.

Cupping her face in his hands, he planted a gentle kiss on her forehead, followed by one between her eyes, then, playfully, on the tip of her nose.

She giggled, and he plunged, unable to resist her winning smile.

With a jerk, she pulled away and twisted her face to the side.

"Yuck. Don't kiss my mouth, your breath's worse than a hounds."

"Pffft, you're one to talk," Gilbert snapped back, as he moved down to her neck, rudely grabbing a handful of breast with one and groping her ass with the other. "You smell like you just ate rotten meat."

With his head down against her shoulder, Elizabeta cupped her hand over her nose and mouth and exhaled, then scowled. 'Fair enough,' she thought. Neither of them had the high moral ground.

He let go of her breast long enough to pull her shirt to the side. A trail of kisses led him to the crook where her neck met her shoulder, and then he was nibbling, sucking, sending shivers like lighting up and down her back. She moaned, softly, and tilted her head back.

God, the sky was beautiful tonight.

Gilbert was working her blouse off and she untucked his, sliding her hands up under the fabric and running her fingers over his chest, his abs. He was still a little… scrawny? Underdeveloped? For her tastes, but fuck it. _Fuck it_. She was going to _enjoy_  this.

Her blouse was discarded, somewhere in the vicinity of their armor, and he went to work on her breasts. Freeing them from their binding was more of a challenge than he'd expected, but it didn't take too long for him to figure out.

…and then he was hunched over, rolling her left nipple in between his thumb and finger, kissing then sucking on the right. She laughed in earnest this time, and he pinned her thigh between his legs, grinding against her hip.

Quickly undoing his belt, Elizabeta reached into his pants, gently running her hands over the length of his cock. Then she broke into a wicked, triumphant grin. Gilbert was many things: stupid, arrogant, rude, a complete jackass with a hopelessly short attention span. But at least his bravado has some basis in reality-- he certainly wasn't overcompensating for anything.

This. This would do _quite_  nicely, thank you.

He shoved her to the ground, practically falling down on top of her. There was a flurry of fumbling hands and flailing arms as they quickly discarded the rest of their clothes. Gilbert seemed intent on laying on top of her, but Elizabeta wasn't about to let it go down like that.

She shifted into a better position, locked his arms, and flipped him over.

He grunted in surprise as she wrestled him onto the ground, then broke into his usual smirk.

"Okay," he relented. "I'll let you get away with it this time."

Throwing one leg over him, she straddled his waist, his erection resting snugly against her ass. Carefully she inched back, letting him slip in between her thighs, and teasingly swayed back and forth. Steadying herself with one hand firmly on his chest, she reached down, her fingers swirling the scant patch of platinum hair before dipping down to caress his balls.

Gilbert shuddered when she did that, and she felt a rush of excitement. _She_  was in control. _She_  was the boss here. And _she_ was going to blow his mind.

Slipping his arms back, he propped himself up on his elbows to watch.

And let out a sharp bark of laughter. Startled, Elizabeta jerked upright, barely keeping herself from jumping to her feet.

"What."

Waggling his eyebrows, Gilbert glanced up. Their eyes met for a second, then he glanced back down at her crotch, and back up at her face. "Would'ja look at that. It's the fuckin' Black Forest, right there between your legs."

She scowled, and entertained the idea of slapping him.

"I'm not so sure about this. The little guy might get lost in there, unable to find his way back home."

"Oh, would you shut up?"

"Who knows what lurks in the Black Forest? He could be gobbled up by wolves, or captured by an evil witch, or--"

She pinched him. Hard.

He bit his lip and snorted back a laugh.

Lifting herself a little higher, she adjusted her hand, grasping his dick and guiding it in. It radiated heat, and she could feel his pulse, faint and rapid, like a little bird. Ever so slowly she lowered her hips, dropping herself onto him.

"Ah." She gasped, wincing. Slowly, slowly… " _Ow!_ "

Gilbert tilted his head to the side, questioning look in his eyes, but thankfully he kept his mouth shut.

She lifted up again, the began to inch back down.

"Com'on," she muttered under her breath.

It was like putting on a boot that was too small, Elizabeta thought to herself. Taking a deep breath and trying her best to relax, she continued, gradually pushing it inside of her.

He shifted under her, raising his hips off the ground, in a slow and deliberate lunge.

"W-wait," Elizabeta whispered, waving her hand.

A few minutes later, littered with grunts and the occasional gasp of pain, she grinned down at him. "You're in?"

"Um, no."

"Dammit." She blushed a little. "Well, it's more than halfway, right?"

"Heh. Sorry."

Hunching over to look, she cursed, then sat back upright, wiping sweat off her forehead with the back of her arm.

"Okay, well, can you…?"

He didn't need any more encouragement. Rocking under her, he started with the slightest of gestures, each thrust building on the next, gradually working his way in. She made soft noises with every movement, but did her best not to yelp or flinch.

Years of fighting, inflicted with every sort of injury know to man, and she thought her battle-hardened body would be ready for this. Yet the only thing that had been inside of her were her own fingers, small and delicate, curious but ever so cautious.

Now skin rubbed painfully against skin, and it was _too tight_  much too tight.

Elizabeta glanced down a Gilbert, stupid happy grin plastered on his face, eyes glued to her breasts as they jiggled with each stroke. It made her feel guilty, selfish. He was having fun, why couldn't she? Part of her wanted to stop, but part of her boldly determined to see this to end. It wasn't really _that_  uncomfortable. Just… grating.

Unable to resist, Gilbert paused to reach up, grabbing her breasts. He cackled for a moment, then continued thrusting his hips, holding onto her tits as if it were the only thing keeping her on top of him.

"Y'll right?" he grunted.

"Yeah."

They kept it up for a few minutes. Finally, she couldn't take it any more.

"Hang on," she said, grabbing his wrists. "Hang on. I need a minute."

" _What?_ "

Words could not describe the look of distress on Gilbert's face. Just when he was getting a good _rhythm…_!!

She stood up, stepping over him and sitting down a few feet away.

He laid back, too outraged to do anything at first. Then he finally sat up, glaring at Elizabeta, who had her back to him.

"Seriously, what the fuck?"

"I'm sorry," she muttered. Folding her legs up against her chest, she leaned her head against her knees. "It's just… rubbing."

He rolled his eyes. "Of course it's rubbing! It's _sex_ , sex is rubbing!"

Heaving a massive sigh, she stood and walked over to him. Before he could react, she grabbed his arm in both hands, twisting them back and forth in separate directions. He stared, dumbfounded, for a moment before the friction started to burn his skin.

He yelped and yanked his arm back, glaring as she smirked down at him, having made her point.

"Okay, I think I'm ready again."

Clutching his arm to his chest, he snorted derisively. "Are you SURE?" He flopped back down on the ground nonetheless.

She got back on top of him, once again guiding him into her pussy. This time, it went in a little easier, the pinching wasn't as painful. With her weight on her knees, she started bobbing up and down, working his cock in deeper and deeper.

"Hmmm, 's not bad," he said cheerfully. "To tell you the truth, I was getting a little tired, not used to doing that maneuver."

"Hah." She panted. "Well. Glad that. Worked out."

They fell silent after that, but for Elizabeta's rhythmic gasps and moans.

It wasn't yet five minutes later that she abruptly stood up.

"Hey!" Gilbert snarled. "HEY!"

Blushing furiously, she turned, glancing over her shoulder as she walked away. He sat up and made a grab for her, fingers brushing the back of her calf as she stepped out of reach.

"I'm sorry. Sorry. I have to, I have to take care of something."

His expression flashed between confusion, dismay, anger, and discomfort. "WHAT could you POSSIBLY have to take care of _right NOW!?_ "

Snorting, she kept walking, heading towards the nearest line of overgrown vegetation.

"If you _must_  know, I really, really have to take a piss. So unless you want me to do it on you, shut your ugly face!"

\---

She returned shortly, looking sheepish.

Gilbert didn't even look at her. He was sprawled out, hands under his head, eyes fixed on the stars.

Cheerfully as she could muster, Elizabeta clapped her hands. "Okay, let's-- oh."

Still not looking at her, he huffed.

"Happy now?"

She sat down next to him, crossing her legs.

"Don't worry. I can fix this." Her fingers twined around his limp cock and began rubbing, massaging the head, rolling back his foreskin as she worked her way up and down.

For a moment he looked… almost pleased. It was hard to stay mad when a hot chick was fondling your junk, that was for sure.

Then his eyes widened and he jolted upright. "Careful! _Careful_ there! You ain't milkin' a cow, okay?!"

"I've never milked a cow," she replied disdainfully, but she was much gentler after that.

Sighing with relief, he reached out to trace his index finger down her her neck, along her breast, the curve of her waist, slowly moving down to the inside of her thigh. Then he leaned over, kissing her breast, teeth gently scraping against her skin. He kissed the nipple, taking it in between his lips, in between his teeth, tongue sliding up and down.

It wasn't long before his erection was back and in full force. Elizabeta grinned, relieved she'd been able to smooth things over. Not to mention, what he was doing to her breast felt really nice. She lowered her head and kissed his ear, nipping the lobe. He laughed, and she started kissing his neck.

"Hmmmnn," he rumbled appreciatively.

Delightfully preoccupied, they continued exploring each other with their hands and lips, Elizabeta still pumping his dick in her hand.

Abruptly, Gilbert shuddered, head jerking back. His eyes crossed a little as his face contorted in a ridiculous expression. Startled, Elizabeta couldn't tell if he was in pain or what.

"Um," she started.

He made a _sound_ and shuddered again, warm wet splashing on the inside of her forearm and her thigh as he came in her hand.

"Oh."

"Huuuuhh." He panted, spent. Face flushed, he looked away, eyes darting to the side. "Uh, I, ummmm… I didn't…"

Shaking, Elizabeta tried to restrain her laughter. Gilbert's face pinched up, fixing her with a dirty look.

"Shut up. It's not funny. This is your fault anyhow."

She lost it. She flopped back onto the ground, cackling hysterically.

\---

"Are you sure this is a good idea after yesterday?"

Of course he was sure. And this time, no hijinks under the stars. This time, they were going to do it right. Shabby room, creaky bed, handy chamberpot at arms-reach under said bed. No more running out to the bushes to pee, she wasn't pulling _that_  one over him again.

"I'm not even sure yesterday counted," he said to her, matter-of-factually. "Since, yanno, we didn't finish."

She gave him an odd look. "Are you kidding? You finished all right."

"Yea, but not while we were _doing_  it."

Flipping her hair over her shoulder, she let out an exasperated sigh.

"I bled from the stabbing, so yes, it counts."

"Really?" He actually sounded… concerned, as if it bothered him that her first time had been painful. Elizabeta rolled her eyes: he surely hadn't been too concerned when it happened.

She grabbed his hands and dragged him to the bed, plopping down and wrapping her legs around him.

This time, they took things slower, building up on the anticipation of the fact. More relaxed and with a longer wind up, penetration was much easier and less awkwardly unpleasant.

He insisted on being on top this time, and she playfully obliged. Arms sprawled above her head, she watched, amused, as Gilbert switched back and forth between holding her hips and groping her tits. He couldn't seem to make up his mind.

Why _were_  breasts such a big deal to men, anyway?

He leaned forward after a bit, hands on the bed at her side.

"Augh!"

"You're _welcome_ ," he said. His attempt at sounding suave was much like a kid dressing up in his fathers uniform, but Elizabeta was too distracted to laugh at him.

"No--! My hair! You're on my hair!"

Sitting up, he untangled his hand from the brown locks.

"It's not my fault the stuff is everywhere."

She scowled. "You _asked_  me not to put it up!"

"Well I'm sooooorrrrrry!"

To that, she bopped him in the face with a pillow, and he laughed. Then, scooting over to the edge of the bed, he grabbed her legs and pulled her to the side.

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted to try something."

Trying something when they hadn't quite got the hang of not trying anything didn't seem like too great of an idea. She kept that to herself.

Positioning her so that she was laying at the edge of the bed, with her legs hanging down, he stood on the floor in front of her. Grabbing her calves, he tucked her legs under his arms and went at it.

Or at least, tried.

"Lower… no, lower… to low."

"Quit moving it on me."

"What?"

"C'mon, it's not like I can see what I'm doing under that pelt you've got."

"Oh would you jus-- wait, there you go."

The angle was-- perfect. Elizabeta gasped and whined, each thrust sending a warm wave of pleasure throughout her body. Still unsure of what to do with her hands, she dug them into the mattress, balling the sheets into her fists.

"Faster," she ordered. Gilbert was all to happy to obey.

They were completely absorbed, lost to everything but each moment of raw physical contact. He accidentally slipped out a few times, but went back in just as easily.

The first couple times.

Then he slipped out and missed, ramming into the perineum, meeting unresisting skin and muscle.

He immediately disengaged, stumbling backwards as he doubled over.

Elizabeta propped herself up on her elbows. "Oops," she said, giggling.

Head down, hands cupped over his groin, he made no response. She raised an eyebrow, slowly sitting up.

"…hey. Are you alright?"

He exhaled slowly, ragged and uneven. A few deep steady breaths and he looked up. "Okay. Yow. Okay." He blinked back tears and offered her a halfhearted grin. "I think I'm okay now."

"You crying?" She was sincere. Any other time and she would have teased him.

"Pffft, no. No way." But he was still hunched, still clutching himself.

"Um, did you break it?"

There was a flash of panic in his eyes. "Hell no! That doesn't happen, it's not even possible. _Not even_. That's-- it's just another one of your stupid penis ideas!"

She drew a sharp breath, but held her tongue, because it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than her.

After a few moments he groaned in frustration, then inched towards the bed and flopped down face-first beside her. She perched at the edge of the bed and stroked his hair.

"Seriously, are you going to be okay."

He nodded into the mattress.

"Do you want to try again?"

" _No._ "

Resigned, she curled up against him and he wrapped an arm around her waist, where they stayed until they fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> **Omake:**
> 
> The Awesome Me Dairies - Dairy 5150  
> A little chilly
> 
> ~~HOLY SHIT W~~
> 
> ~~Today~~
> 
> ~~Hungary is so HOT I~~
> 
> ~~Words can't descr~~
> 
> I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME.
> 
> FUCK YEAH.
> 
> The Awesome Me Dairies - Dairy 5151  
> (No Entry)


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